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Today: a research manager who has a $282,000 household income and who spends some of her money this week on drain snakes. 

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Occupation: Research manager
Industry: Government
Age: 32
Location: Boston, MA
Salary: $102,000
Joint Income & Financial Setup: ~$282,000. This includes my and my husband K.’s W2 incomes, rent from a rental property (which basically just covers the mortgage), and rent from a close friend who lives with us (she was away for most of the week that I kept this diary, but we all love spending time together). We also resell some clothes and furniture, which is inconsistent so we don’t count it as income. K. and I have joint checking and savings accounts, as well as individual checking and savings accounts. Given our similar incomes, we contribute the same amount to all our joint accounts.
Assets: We have joint and personal checking accounts (totaling $1,805) and joint and personal HYSAs (totaling $13,120). My additional personal accounts are: traditional IRA: $67,295; 457(b): $42,000; taxable brokerage: $29,227; Roth IRA: $21,078; and ~$35,000 in a pension account that I don’t have access to yet. K. has ~$180,000 across his 401(k) and Roth IRA. We also own two homes together (~$900,000 each), a car (~$34,000 value), and a motorcycle (~$15,000 value). We have mortgages/loans on all but the motorcycle. We also have a 529 plan for our toddler ($2,380), but do not count this toward our assets.
Debt: $1,244,000 — this is mostly mortgages, plus a $33,000 car loan, ~$70,000 in student loans, and ~$1,000 in hospital payment plans.
Paycheck Amount (Biweekly): $4,940 (our salaries, minus retirement and health insurance). We also receive $4,900 in rent monthly.
Pronouns: She/her

Monthly Expenses

Housing Costs: $3,700 for mortgage plus HOA for a four-bed/three-bath home (increasing soon to $4,050, due to an escrow shortage — proof that your mortgage amount can fluctuate!).
Loan Payments: Home #2 mortgage: $3,300; student loans: $480; car payment: $1,000.
Child Care: $500 (we are lucky to have child care support from a family member, Z.).
Gas & Electric: ~$130
Phones: $95 (we also pay for Z.).
Internet: $113
Pet Insurance: $88
Dog Food: $70
529 Plan: $50
Compost: $20
Subscriptions: $45 (Netflix, Disney Plus, dog chip, Apple storage, misc.)
My Pension Contribution: $820
My 457(b) Contribution: $500
K.’s 401(k) Contribution: $732.92
Health/Dental/Vision Insurance: $800 for health (for the three of us; comes out of K.’s paycheck); dental/vision is $12.
Medical Payment Plans: $120
My Gym: $60 (K. pays for his gym yearly in a lump sum).
Donations: $52.50 (I pay for this).
Support For Family Member: $10 (K. pays for this).

Yearly Expenses

Car Insurance: $1800
Motorcycle Insurance: $225 (K. pays for this).
Water Heater Maintenance: $250
Amazon Prime: $69
Engagement Ring Insurance: $123 (I pay for this).
Credit Card: $95
Costco Membership: $60

Was there an expectation for you to attend higher education? Did you participate in any form of higher education? If yes, how did you pay for it?
To be honest, I didn’t realize there was another option. My parents both have degrees from their home country so they talked about the importance of education, and I always did well in school, so it felt like a natural path for me. I went to an expensive private university and received significant financial aid along with a lot of local and national scholarships, which covered almost all of my tuition, room, and board. I don’t remember exactly but think I may have left college with $10,000-$15,000 in loans, which I paid off as quickly as possible. I also received my master’s for free while working as a research assistant and receiving a stipend.

Growing up, what kind of conversations did you have about money? Did your parent(s)/guardian(s) educate you about finances?
We shopped at secondhand stores, bought mostly sale items, and always used coupons at grocery stores. I think our conversations were mostly about the need to work hard, not overspend, and look for discounts. We didn’t talk about investing until I was in grad school (when I prompted my parents about it) and as a result I ended up putting my savings in CDs for  about five years — I wish I had known to invest it in index funds instead! Looking back, I was so naïve about money growing up. I assumed anyone who had a full-time job was able to pay for their necessities and that people picked careers based on their talents and interests rather than the income potential. I was very anti-money, anti-spending until sometime in my mid to late 20s. I don’t know why it took so long for reality to hit.

What was your first job and why did you get it?
My parents wanted me to focus on academics growing up, so I wasn’t allowed to work during high school. My first job outside of occasional babysitting was at a YMCA camp the summer before college.

Did you worry about money growing up?
My parents tried to give my siblings and me everything we needed and most of what we wanted, and we had a great middle-class life. But I’m sure some of the priorities they had for us — like regular travel, enrolling us in sports and other activities, and giving us generous gifts for birthdays and Christmas — brought on financial stress. My parents also have different money habits and earnings, and we experienced the tension of this. I knew they were frequently stressed about money, so I always tried to add as little financial stress as possible. This manifested as me trying to be fiercely self-sufficient, not asking for extras like attending school-organized trips, spending my senior year of high school applying to every possible college scholarship I was eligible for, and compulsively saving even through my mid 20s (doing things like going to restaurants with friends and getting only water, which I now understand were quite extreme habits that made others uncomfortable).

Do you worry about money now?
Recovering from a scarcity mindset and lifelong cheapness, I actively remind myself that although my frugality served me well earlier in my life and I’m proud of it, I no longer need to live that way. With that said, I worry in some ways. My husband K. and I have an income and net worth that look great on paper, but we live in a high cost of living area, don’t have a lot of wiggle room in our expenses at the moment, need to do some major home renovations, and expect to financially have to provide for one or both sets of our parents as they get older. In addition, we want money to be a tool rather than a stressor, in contrast to how we both grew up. All of the above leads us to want higher-paying jobs, but this is complicated by today’s job market and figuring out if it makes sense to give up our current flexibility for more demanding jobs (while we have young kids). I’m also interested in pursuing FIRE (financial independence retire early) to relieve ourselves of financial stress and get to make choices like taking a sabbatical from work and working part-time before traditional retirement age, but I know this requires more income.

At what age did you become financially responsible for yourself and do you have a financial safety net?
I was financially responsible for myself when I graduated college in that I paid for all my expenses myself (besides staying on my parents’ health insurance until age 26). However, I lived with family for eight months when I struggled to find a job after grad school. Since finding that first post-grad job at age 24, I’ve been entirely financially responsible for myself. K. and I are both financial safety nets for our families, and we are each other’s.

Do you or have you ever received passive or inherited income? If yes, please explain.
My parents unexpectedly gifted us $10,000 for our wedding, which covered the cost of our wedding.

Day One: Saturday

5:30 a.m. — My 1.5-year-old toddler, Q., wakes up crying. Guess it’s an early day, so we play, have breakfast of over-medium eggs with hummus and toast, and get ready for the day.

9:30 a.m. — Walk to the park with my husband (K.), Q., and our dog and stop at Dunkin’ on the way. K. gets a sandwich-hash-brown-coffee combo and I get a chai latte. I’m not sure why I thought this was a decent choice, but the almond milk and chai syrup combination was not doing it for me. I generally try hard not to be wasteful, but after a few sips I had to dump this out. In my defense, we rarely order from here! $10.47

10 a.m. — Q. has been on a one-nap schedule for a few weeks but she falls asleep in the stroller during our walk. A perfect sunny day for an outdoor nap! We alternate throwing a tennis ball for our dog and playing on the playground with Q. once she wakes up, then head home.

1 p.m. — Have lunch and put Q. down for another nap, then cuddle and nap with K. Much-needed naps for everyone!

6 p.m. — Head to a concert with a friend while husband puts Q. to bed. Venmo my friend for my ticket. $50

9:30 p.m. — The concert is fantastic! I head back home when it finishes and am finally in bed at 11:30 p.m. after a great day. I haven’t done many evening activities with friends since Q. was born, so tonight feels extra special.

Daily Total: $60.47

Day Two: Sunday

6:30 a.m. — I meet a friend and her toddler at a café, and we catch up while our kids play, messily (but happily) drink smoothies, and wave to strangers. We get smoothies and matcha. $20

10:30 a.m. — Q. takes a surprise nap in the car so I drive around and head to the hardware store, sitting in the car until she wakes up. When she’s awake we go in to pick up paint. $25.49

12 p.m. — Eat lunch with Q. (lentil stew with rice) and walk with her to a new playground. Later in the afternoon, I put Q. down for a nap, clean up the house, and do an online Pilates class.

5 p.m. — Feed Q. dinner. Today it’s a quinoa and beef meatball, broccoli and carrot soup, and strawberries. I like to batch prep and freeze various meals and snacks, so meals are easy to put together (things like turkey meatballs with spinach, rice with beans and beef, chicken soup, noodles with a mixed vegetable sauce, oatmeal bars, veggie and cheese muffins).

6:30 p.m. — Start the bedtime routine, giggling with Q. about belly buttons and funny sounds. Put Q. to bed while K. picks up Mediterranean plates (one falafel, one meat) for us from a local restaurant, za’atar, spinach boreka, and baklava. We hang out for the rest of the night in between cleaning up from the day and taking our dog out. $59.94

Daily Total: $105.43

Day Three: Monday

6:30 a.m. — Got to sleep in today, thanks to Q.’s wake-up time! Hang out in bed with K., Q., and Q.’s requested pre-breakfast snack (bread). An hour later, Q. and I make a smoothie using cottage cheese, strawberries, kiwi, and pear. She munches on a bit of everything and puts things in the blender. She loves doing this recently, which makes me happy because I really want to make cooking fun for our kids! We have our smoothie with pancakes for breakfast.

8:30 a.m. — Log in for work when our family member, Z., arrives to help with child care. We’re grateful to have Z.’s support on weekdays while we work full time. Work a bit, then take our dog out for a quick walk.

10:30 a.m. — Take a rare couple of hours off during the day and head to a 90-minute massage with foot reflexology! K. had found this fantastic place on Groupon that has a more relaxing, upscale vibe than my usual favorite in Chinatown. Get a prenatal massage (my first!) and feel pleasantly surprised at the good pressure my massage therapist uses. The Groupon was previously paid for, so I add tip. $26

2 p.m. — Back home for lunch and another couple hours of work updating interview guides, designing study protocols, and planning focus groups. K. buys something on Amazon. $7.49

5:30 p.m. — Log off and quickly prep Q.’s dinner. K. feeds her while I take our dog out and put away laundry. Then K. heads to the gym, I give Q. a bath, we play as she learns to give kisses and thinks it’s the funniest thing ever, and we read books and sing songs. She falls asleep at 7:15 p.m. K. stops at the grocery store to buy sliced cheese, tomatoes, cookie dough, bananas, and clementines. $33.26

8 p.m. — Scroll on my phone for too long but eventually mobilize for an online Pilates class. I’m loving Move with Nicole and Pregnancy and Postpartum TV on YouTube lately!

9 p.m. — Prep Impossible Burgers and salad with K. and eat together while chatting about friendships we’ve built across different phases of our lives, and how special it is to have friends from childhood who’ve been part of our most awkward times. Sleep at 10:30 p.m.

Daily Total: $66.75

Day Four: Tuesday

6 a.m. — Q. cries and calls for us but stays laying down. This has been new for the past week as she adjusts to her new one-nap schedule. We get her at 6:20 a.m. and she eats a banana and tangerine in our bed, and we all play together, read, and listen to music. There’s a whole lot of “Wheels on the Bus” and “Baby Shark” in our lives lately!

7:30 a.m. — Prep tomato scrambled eggs with cheese in a tortilla for our breakfast while Q. munches on an apple in her kitchen tower next to me. We eat together then get ready for the day (lotion, get dressed, brush teeth and hair). Z. arrives at 8:30 a.m. so I get dressed, log in for work, and clean up the kitchen from breakfast.

9 a.m. — Handyman arrives to fix some things in our bathroom; I spend a couple hours working. $200

11 a.m. — Take our dog for a walk while listening to the Financial Feminist podcast — one of my favorites! When I get back I chat with K. about HELOCs. We are planning on taking one out for needed home repairs on our rental property but aren’t looking forward to the extra payments. I love the idea of a cash-out refinance to cover renovations, but we have a great mortgage interest rate right now and changing that unfortunately wouldn’t make financial sense.

12 p.m. — Have a few meetings, and after a few hours take an unexpected nap. Unusual for me but much-needed during pregnancy! I’m right at the end of my first trimester, and the trend in my pregnancies seems to be major exhaustion in the first trimester.

5:30 p.m. — Prep Q.’s dinner and feed her (turkey meatballs, English muffin, tabbouleh, shredded carrots), then head to the gym! I was in a workout rut postpartum (motivated but uninspired, which led to unstructured workouts) but became focused and energized once I committed to sprint triathlon training. I did that for about three months before getting pregnant again (and endlessly tired and bloated), so my workouts are triathlon-lite. I run a few miles, getting a random nosebleed partway, then finish my workout with some weights.

8 p.m. — Stop at the grocery store on my way home to buy strawberries, zucchini, cabbage, beef patties, potato chips, and cheese. When I arrive home K. and I make burgers with salad and hang out. I plan most of our meals and aim to mix up what we eat for variety of nutrients and flavors, but we’re having the same dinner as yesterday because it was good, easy, and healthy enough. $36.07

10 p.m. — Take our dog out and shower while K. cleans up, and we head to bed at 10:30 p.m.

Daily Total: $236.07

Day Five: Wednesday

5 a.m. — Q. cries and we watch her on the monitor hoping she’ll fall back asleep. She finally falls back to sleep around 5:45 a.m. We get her at 6:30 a.m. and she hangs in bed with us while reading and eating a banana.

7 a.m. — Get ready to head into the office, struggling to find clothes that don’t show I’m pregnant. This is especially hard in my second pregnancy, as I’m showing much earlier than in my first.

8 a.m. — Have breakfast with Q. (a smoothie with strawberries, Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, and chia seeds) with peanut butter toast. K. finds a new leak in our basement from the tankless water heater (we had the yearly maintenance done last week), so we’ll have to re-contact our plumber.

8:45 a.m. — Head to work on the bus then the T (Boston’s subway). This trip costs $2.40, but I use my pre-loaded Charlie card (Boston’s commuter card).

9:30 a.m. — Arrive at work, grab a seltzer, and crank out some work for a few hours. I munch on TJ’s dark chocolate-topped rice cakes while working.

12 p.m. — Pizza at work!

1 p.m. — Add some money to my Charlie card and take the T to my ultrasound and OB appointment; K. drives to meet me there. $20

2:30 p.m. — We have a long ultrasound in which the tech had a lot of challenges finding what they needed, followed by a meeting with the OB. We got some inconclusive news: a high nuchal translucency (NT) result which could indicate potential genetic “abnormalities”. I remind myself that the result could easily have been due to human error or the baby being in a strange position, and that we don’t know anything for sure yet. We pay for parking. $8

4:30 p.m. — Stop at the store for drain snakes, a kids’ birthday card, and two boxes of Perfect bars. $33.97

5 p.m. — Play with Q., do another half-hour of work, and prep Q.’s dinner. Our roommate arrives back from a trip so we all sit with Q. as she eats, listening to music and trying to keep her from throwing food and dumping out milk. K. and I usually switch off going to the gym while the other starts the dinner and bedtime routine with Q, but neither of us is in the mood to work out after our weird news so we agree to take it easy and get takeout.

7:30 p.m. — Shower while K. picks up our food (bibimbap and taro boba for us to share). We eat while watching a bit of a Korean drama. $40.94

9:30 p.m. — Take our dog out while K. does the nightly clean-up of the house. Before bed, I write a message to my OB requesting a repeat ultrasound.

Daily Total: $102.91

Day Six: Thursday

6:40 a.m. — Q. sleeps in so we do too! My cute fam plays while I get ready for work.

7:15 a.m. — Play with Q., teach her how to beat an egg for the French toast we’re having this morning (with yogurt, peanut butter, and kiwi), and eat together. I head to work after Z. arrives, taking the bus and T.

11 a.m. — Have some meetings and schedule follow-up prenatal care. My OB agreed to a repeat ultrasound but suggested we meet with a genetic counselor anyway.

1 p.m. — I break for lunch, eating the quickest meal I could come up with this morning after not prepping a lunch last night: a cheese sandwich, Chobani yogurt, and banana. Go to a meeting and work on a bunch of collaborative documents.

3:30 p.m. — Leave work to finish out the day at home, first stopping at Trader Joe’s to buy crackers, cheese, tulips, chickpea pasta, vegan ground beef, pasta sauce, potatoes, dill, cottage cheese, yogurt, peanut butter, salmon, firm tofu, unsalted sardines (so stinky but Q. loves these), and a lemony arugula salad. $74.50

4:45 p.m. — Get home, hug Q., and have fun unloading groceries with her help. K. gets home a half-hour later from the gym after stopping at a store on the way home for oat milk, cheese, and crackers. He takes Q. on a walk while I prep dinner: baked marinated salmon, potatoes with dill, and salad, then Q. has her dinner. $21.36

6:30 p.m. — K. registers us for a 5k next month and starts the bedtime routine with Q. while I clean up the kitchen. $80

7:30 p.m. — I take our dog for a walk and do a short Pilates class. It’s a lower-impact workout than I usually lean towards, but I’m okay with that. We have dinner around 8:30 p.m. while watching Reacher, then shower and head to bed.

Daily Total: $175.86

Day Seven: Friday

5:30 a.m. — Q. wakes up crying. We wait to see if she settles herself. She doesn’t, so K. spends time with her until 6 a.m. while I sleep in, then they join me in bed with an apple.

7:30 a.m. — Q. and I have a breakfast of eggs scrambled with onion and butter, along with toast and grapes.

8:30 a.m. — Z. arrives and I get started with work. I have a few meetings, drink coffee, and walk our dog while talking to my OB about how they have confidence in the results of the initial ultrasound and don’t expect a different result in a repeat ultrasound — but that we are welcome to do it regardless.

12:30 p.m. — Take a break to chat with K., eat a quick lunch, schedule a few medical appointments, and have therapy. I meet every other week with my therapist and spend a lot of today talking about family relationships and the weight of expectations that leave me feeling like I’m both doing things wrong, and unsure of what I genuinely want for myself. $50

2 p.m. — K. and I meet with a genetic counselor and have a better understanding of what the ultrasound results mean, the high probability that everything is “normal” despite the higher NT, and the options of procedures that can give a definitive result. Return to work.

5 p.m. — I cook a Korean stew (soondooboo using The Korean Vegan’s recipe) with rice for dinner while K. and Q. go for a walk. When they return, I sit with Q. while she eats then give her a bath.

7 p.m. — K. puts Q. to bed while I go for a run. It’s still light out and that makes me so happy!

8:30 p.m. — We have dinner, then I write a check for our friends’ child’s first birthday that we’ll gift along with a cute aquarium toy we had purchased a few weeks ago. $30

10 p.m. — Order flowers for my grandma’s birthday in a couple weeks. This cost will be split three ways, but I cover it for now. $90

Daily Total: $170

The Breakdown

Conclusion 

“This diary is a pretty standard representation of a week for our family, with reasonable and unsurprising expenses. It’s not every week we sign up for races, go to concerts, or buy birthday gifts, but the bulk of our day-to-day expenses tend to be pretty basic: groceries, things for our home, some takeout. Although our weekly spending didn’t surprise me much, the tallying up of assets and debts was new for me, as I have only ever done that on an individual level. Looking at our recurring expenses in this format was interesting, too; I’d love to cut down on those to have more flexibility day-to-day and in planning for our future, but I’m conscious of not returning to my ultra-frugal ways and creating unnecessary strictness in our spending!

“As a quick update on the pregnancy pieces of this diary, we’re grateful that all turned out normal after our genetic testing!”

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Ever wondered what Euphoria’s Hunter Schafer smells like? Consider the mystery solved. As the new ambassador for Angel Stellar — the latest addition to Mugler’s growing fragrance dynasty — her aura is vibrant (thanks to bergamot), complex (that’ll be the pistachio), and bold (courtesy of heady patchouli). Not entirely unlike her iconic character, Jules Vaughn.

Of course, it’s Schafer herself who logs onto our Zoom call, and besides being the best-dressed celebrity I’ve ever interviewed (think hooded halter top and plenty of sparkle), she’s also probably the most enthusiastic about perfume. As a self-confessed fraghead, I loved diving deeper into what fragrance means to Schafer — and we also talked tired beauty standards, injectables, and Euphoria’s unmatched impact on makeup trends.

Read on for her thoughts on scent, self-expression, and shaking up norms.

Huge congrats on your new role with Mugler! If you could make any smell into a perfume, what would it be and why?

A candy is always fun — the child part of me wants that! I would say like a gummy bear — I’m a big sucker for gummy bears. Also, my favorite nut is pistachio, which is a huge note in the new Mugler Angel Stellar. The fun thing about fragrance is that it’s all about feeling; orienting and elevating yourself in the way that you want to feel — it’s nostalgic. I do think there’s a lot of poetry that lies in using material resources to create a feeling. What I’m always going for is a radiant femininity or a soft power. This definitely lives in Mugler Angel Stellar.

What’s your magic number of sprays for that signature soft power?

I never want to overdo it, but a nice distribution is always what I go for. I love doing the wrists because I love the glamor of [pressing them together] and then under the neck. Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra fun, I’ll do a spray in my hair. I like to concentrate [on] those more powerful areas. Everyone has their way of applying it. I have this vision in my head sometimes of walking past someone I want to make an impression on, and my hair leaves a little waft of a fragrance.

Do you ever use perfume to spark joy or shift your energy?

Sometimes I equate it to what I aim to do with fashion or the clothes I’m wearing. A good analogy is how you feel when you put on a pair of high heels, and it changes the way you walk. I think fragrance has a lot of those same sort of superpowers. Whether you want to lean into something that’s more sultry and sexy or something more sophisticated and daytime [appropriate], the fun thing about fragrance is that it’s emotional and ultimately rooted in feeling, so that can really help boost [my] mood.

Is there a smell or a fragrance that’s forever tied to a memory?

I always think of my mom’s perfume and how sweet it was when I was younger. I get little flashbacks of childhood. The sweetness in Mugler Angel Stellar is grounded in more powdery and creamy pistachio, as well as punchy moments with the bergamot and wood. It’s fun because you can find those accents, like a sweet fragrance you remember from childhood, in something new and exciting.

Is perfume part of your process when stepping into an acting role?

You know, I’ve heard some actors use fragrance to help them get into character. It’s not something I’ve tried personally for work, but when it helps evoke a feeling or stepping into some kind of power, there’s something about fragrance that helps us play characters in our day-to-day lives. [It’s about] being able to jump between more powerful or soft versions of ourselves.

Now for some makeup. I noticed that Euphoria season two marked a sharp shift in hair and makeup, from dreamy whimsy to graphic edges. What inspired the change, and how did it reflect your character’s evolution?

That’s the fun part of makeup, and the show’s approach elevates the more surreal factors. We always talk about playing with a level of emotional reality on the show, and in some ways, season two was a lot more dark and raw — although the show overall is relatively dark and raw! But at least for my character, it reflected her headspace. [We thought] about subtle ways to be able to tell that story without saying it in words or actions. Makeup is always an exciting opportunity for storytelling.

Which makeup tricks from the show’s MUAs, Donni Davy or Alexandra French, have made it into your routine?

I definitely learned a lot about glitter! That’s something that I have a lot of fun with. Everyone knows we love to do that on Euphoria. It’s interesting because it evolves every season, and I’m always learning new things about makeup in the makeup trailer. The first season was more playful and more illustrious. There was a certain sensibility. Season two was darker and more geometric. [Season three] is really interesting — we’re filming it right now and fleshing out this new space for Jules.

Do you ever do your own makeup for scenes?

In the first season, I was really hands-on. One of my favorite looks is the clouds that Jules has around her eyes. That was something me and Donni [Davy] came up with together, and I helped draw out the clouds. These days, I like to be a little more hands-off just because the character has [evolved]. She’s not quite the same parallel that I really felt in the first season. Jules was one step away from who I was. Now she’s a few more steps away from me, so I let [the makeup artists] take the reins more often.

Which outdated beauty rule do you think it’s time to retire for good?

Beauty is such a fun space because at its core, it’s about exploring and feeling good about yourself, but I do think maybe these days, there can be an overemphasis on perfection. Anyone who participates in beauty can recognize that to some degree. I hope that’s something we can keep an eye on as a culture. Obviously, we love to go for “perfect” looks sometimes, but I think perfection can also be sort of restraining as an idea, and potentially boring! There’s so much beauty in imperfection and awkwardness. Those are things to embrace, just as much as ideals or perfectionism.

For me, it’s the whole anti-aging narrative — it’s tired…

Some of my favorite style icons are people who are quite a few years older than me. I love looking to people who have been around much longer than me for inspiration. We should be excited about getting older. As far as I can tell, I’m liking life more as I grow older. We should embrace aging.

Do you think experience comes with age? I used to get Botox, but now I’m over it.

Yeah! It’s really interesting because it’s like okay, we start this anti-aging beauty journey — I am a fan of some things, I’m not saying [they’re bad] — but it is something to be mindful of because at what point do you stop and start to embrace signs of aging or whatnot?

Watching Aimee Lou Wood in The White Lotus, I found her real, unfiltered facial reactions so refreshing!

At least while I’m an actress, I want my face muscles to work, so that’s something I want to avoid at least for the time being. Everyone has their own approach to it, but it’s important to be able to emote. There’s so much beauty in that, and it’s something I don’t want to lose in the sort of beauty race for not aging.

This interview was originally published on Refinery29 UK.

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Breakouts can be common — and frustrating — during the summer. The combination of heat, sweat, and pollution can wreak havoc on our skin, especially on parts of our bodies that are more exposed to the elements. That’s why Paula’s Choice Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA, $32, has become my go-to recently, helping to keep my skin smooth and clear for the warmer days ahead.

For those yet to discover Paula’s Choice, the brand has long been the gold standard for treating breakouts on the face using gentle but effective exfoliating acids. Its 2% BHA Exfoliating Toner, which enlists salicylic acid, has garnered acclaim from beauty editors and dermatologists alike. When I found out that the brand also offers an exfoliating body lotion with salicylic acid, I couldn’t resist giving it a go.

What is salicylic acid and what are the skin benefits?

Salicylic acid is a BHA or beta hydroxy acid that gently dissolves the compacted mix of dead skin and oil, which leads to clogged pores and eventually breakouts. Besides exfoliating salicylic acid, this lotion boasts a handful of soothing, moisturizing ingredients like vitamin E and chamomile flower extract, too. With festival season in full swing and summer adventures calling, I tested this lotion to see if it’d help keep body breakouts at bay — and I’m impressed.

Is the Paula’s Choice Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA any good?

Before diving into my review, I asked the experts to help me understand the science behind the key ingredients. According to aesthetic doctor Dr Mehri Pourkand, chemical exfoliants like salicylic acid are always preferable over a physical scrub for a few reasons: First, they tend to go much deeper into the pores, making them more effective. Second, unlike scrubs, they are less likely to cause micro-tears in the skin due to friction.

Salicylic acid is probably the most famous BHA out there, and for good reason: “BHAs are oil-soluble, which means they can dive right into your pores to clear out all the built-up sebum and dead skin,” Dr Pourkand explains. “Salicylic acid is especially great if you’re dealing with blackheads, breakouts, or congestion; it also helps smooth rough texture and refine the look of large pores over time.” If you deal with keratosis pilaris (also referred to as KP or “chicken skin” thanks to its bumpy texture), this lotion can help smooth these rough, red bumps with consistent use.

Salicylic acid does more than exfoliate and treat congested pores. “It also has calming, anti-inflammatory properties,” Dr Pourkand adds, “so it doesn’t just treat breakouts, it soothes them, too.”

Unlike many of the exfoliating body products I’ve previously tried, which tend to be heavier in texture, Paula’s Choice’s version feels more similar to a lightweight lotion. But don’t underestimate it. While it absorbs in seconds, allowing you to pull on clothes quickly and easily, it’s substantially moisturizing thanks to nourishing vitamin E, as well as allantoin and the emollient dimethiconol. I will say that the formula carries a natural, slightly yeasty fragrance, but it disappears within a few seconds.

This lotion is excellent at evening out skin tone and smoothing bumpy skin texture. Before using this, I had hyperpigmentation on my legs as a result of mosquito bites, and it started to fade after two weeks of consistent use. My previously rough knees and elbows felt a lot softer, too. My skin gets easily irritated during periods of frequent travelling, and I often get back acne after taking a long-haul flight, but this lotion quickly calmed any spots that started appearing on my back, even after a 16-hour journey to Asia.

One glance at the product’s glowing review section proves that I’m not the only one who is impressed. One reviewer says that this product single-handedly cleared up the back acne they had had for four years: “I’ve tried many products, including prescription antibiotic cream, but this lotion was the only one that worked,” they wrote, adding, “I use it every morning after showering and now have completely clear skin on my back.”

Whenever I had tried body care products that contain active ingredients like exfoliating acids, my skin has suffered from purging — redness, itchiness and irritation. I’m very happy to report that this lotion, which contains an effective 2% salicylic acid, didn’t cause any reaction. I asked Dr Emma Cunningham, aesthetic doctor and founder of Dr Emma Clinics, to shine more light on why that might be the case: “Green tea and chamomile are both packed with antioxidants and have calming, skin-soothing properties,” she told me. “While the salicylic acid is doing the heavy lifting on the exfoliation side, these ingredients help reduce redness and keep everything balanced.”

For people new to acids or those with sensitive skin, Dr Cunningham recommends using the lotion two or three times a week and observing how your skin responds. The lotion can be used in the morning or the evening, but if you’re using it in the daytime, applying a high-factor, broad-spectrum sunscreen to exposed areas of your body before venturing into the sun is always a good idea, since exfoliating acids can make skin more sensitive to the sun.

Paula’s Choice Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA has earned a permanent spot in my summer travel bag after doing a great job at keeping my back spots at bay. I also noticed improved overall smoothness on my arms and legs. Given its speed at clearing my body acne, I feel much more confident about wearing my tank tops and backless dresses this summer. The weightless consistency made it a joy to use when travelling around. Trust me: this is a must-have for anyone looking to target body breakouts, all without the irritation.

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This story was originally published on Refinery29 UK.

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On the evening of Saturday, May 17, Puerto Rican-owned Buddies Coffee in Williamsburg, Brooklyn closed its doors for good. The closure came three months after co-owner Rachel Nieves posted a TikTok revealing that her landlord planned to raise rent and open another cafe next door. The post generated an outpouring of support; soon, Buddies had lines out the door, an endorsement from Joe Jonas, and an appearance from Nieves on the Jennifer Hudson Show. Yet it wasn’t enough to save this small business from the perils of gentrification.

Buddies’ story echoes the struggles faced by Latine-owned businesses all over New York City. “We as Latines are facing serious challenges today, many of them created by those in power,” Giovanni Gonzalez, founder of the Latine empowerment nonprofit La Gesta, tells Refinery29 Somos. “They want to hurt our pride and downplay our presence because our light is inevitable and undeniable.”

Gonzalez works closely with Toñita’s, also known as the Caribbean Social Club, the last remaining social club in the historically Puerto Rican neighborhood of Los Sures, South Williamsburg. In 1974, María Antonia Cay — better known as Toñita — opened the space as a refuge for recently-arrived Puerto Ricans. Since then, it’s become an institution among Latines of all backgrounds and remains a homebase for mutual aid efforts, with Toñita cooking for the unhoused population in Los Sures once a week. But as the neighborhood’s demographics change, it’s become increasingly difficult to stay afloat — even as the club counts Bad Bunny among its regulars.

“If our businesses were in a fully Latine community, we would not be struggling,” Kalima DeSuze, MSW, the owner and founder of Cafe Con Libros in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, tells Somos. “Because of the ways our communities are shifting and changing, you could be in a community and somebody could open up the same exact business, right next door. You could be doing the same thing that they’re doing, but their business, depending on their race and ethnicity, automatically gets more credibility.”

According to a May 2024 report from the New York City Economic Development Corporation, new businesses are opening in North Brooklyn faster than any other area of the five boroughs. Toñita has called North Brooklyn home for 51 years. She’s been offered $9 million to give up her Caribbean Social Club, and despite costs reaching an all-time high, Gonzalez says she’s standing her ground.

“It may look like her business is at risk, it being the last social club remaining in a gentrified Williamsburg,” he says. “[Toñita] brushes this off like lint on her shoulder, as if the weight of history she carries makes her immune to pressure. This isn’t just a bar — it’s a living altar of resilience, culture, and community. No amount of money or intimidation can compete with that kind of purpose.”

Gentrification has required Latine businesses to become more active on social media, the predominant business discovery platform for New York City transplants. Marketing-savvy Latines have found creative ways to service the businesses they see as vital to their communities. Paulina Montiel is the co-founder of Migo Events, a New York City-based organization that hosted the city’s first-ever Mexican Restaurant Week in 2024, which provided social media-driven promotion to Mexican restaurants across the boroughs. “When we partner with local businesses, we try to teach them [about] social media,” she tells Somos. “I’ll go to cafes like Xoco-latte Bushwick, and I always tag them and tell people about them. Even if it means one person comes, two people come, they usually come back.”

DeSuze notes that when people of marginalized identities open a business, they’re expected to go above and beyond in ways their white, non-Latine counterparts are not. “I can’t just be a bookstore,” she says. “I have to be fighting to close the income gap, I need to try to close the reading gap, I need to make sure that people learn how to speak English and know their rights. … What then happens for businesses of color is that we take on the responsibility of the world, and then we end up getting burnt out.”

Toñita’s and Cafe Con Libros demonstrate the magic that can happen when a Latine business defies those expectations. Instead of attempting to solve every problem faced by Latines, Toñita and DeSuze focus on the professions they know and love. This allows them to create more genuine connections with regulars and new visitors alike. “Spaces like these are what true community growth is all about, especially in cities where money and selfishness rule,” says Gonzalez. “Businesses like Toñita’s are worth preserving and fighting for because they remind us what it means to be human.”

It can be easy for Latine businesses to fall into the trap of trendy, Instagram-friendly renovations, especially in the cutthroat New York City market. It might attract new customers in the short term, but Montiel sees value in maintaining a business’s original structure and design, whether it’s photos of la patria on the walls or those plastic tablecloths. “That’s what makes us feel like we’re back at home,” she says.

Spending money at these businesses is great, but it’s not the only way to support. “Even if someone leaves us a Google review, do you know how big that is? That’s huge for us, huge for any business,” DeSuze says. She also recommends spreading the word about events hosted at your favorite spots, like the second annual Toñita Fest on Sunday, June 22. Gonzalez calls the block party-style event “an annual celebration meant to keep spreading the word, and help a small club in the heart of Williamsburg become bigger than life.” He’s currently raising money to cover its packed itinerary of cultural programming.

Montiel says Migo Events will continue to show up for New York City’s Latine businesses through its upcoming lineup of events. “That’s the goal, I think, of preserving these businesses: being yourself, pushing yourself into white spaces or spaces that other cultures have broken into, and showing that we have the same capabilities,” she explains. “Investing in us is going to have the same outcome as investing in other cultures.”

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Warning: The following article contains descriptions of sexual assault that some readers may find distressing.

“My full intuition was ringing,” says Jade*, 33, recounting a traumatic sexual assault she experienced while living in Dublin, Ireland, aged 21. “I was leaving work, and normally I’d never feel unsafe but for whatever reason, when I came out of the store, I was on edge.” Jade called her then-boyfriend, and they spoke as she walked home. Just a few minutes into her journey, a man assaulted her. “A man came behind me and grabbed me around the neck and, oh my god, grabbed me there. I screamed really loudly…Then the man ran. I didn’t see his face or anything.” Jade went to the police immediately. Despite CCTV evidence, he wasn’t caught. A year later, a news article outlined the same circumstances with a man attacking a woman in the area, leading Jade to believe this same man was still out there.

Since that incident, Jade has never ignored her gut instinct. “I’m probably overly cautious, but you never can be too careful,” she adds. “It’s a learned reaction.” Women all over the world will relate to Jade’s story and for many, intuition is part of the toolkit they rely on every day to stay safe. 1 in 4 women women have been raped or assaulted in England and Wales. In America, it’s estimated to be 1 in 5. A recent study published by Epowar, a women’s safety organisation, shows that 47% of women in the UK spend money on services and products to keep them safe. For example, that study also found that £420 ($568) is spent by the average woman on taxis (rather than taking public transport or walking), and other money and time go to therapy, self defence classes and rape alarms. Women invest in all of these things for good reason, but often when they recount occasions that they “had a bad feeling”, they are called into question. “Are you sure he wasn’t just walking by? How do you know you weren’t being paranoid?” people ask, making women doubt themselves.

Having spoken on BBC London radio numerous times about women’s safety in the city, I’m always asked about instinct. What does it feel like? How do I know when to listen to it? Why don’t some men understand? The first time I was asked this, it struck me as odd: Don’t we all have an innate sensor that kicks in when something feels off? But men typically don’t have the same thought processes or experiences that keep women hypervigilant, I realized. This might be why some of them don’t take the idea of a “bad feeling” seriously — and why I repeatedly need to explain instinct on the radio.

Karen Whybro, a women’s safety consultant, focuses her work on perceptions of safety and how women feel in their communities. Whybro, whose name feels like a clear example of nominative determinism, says, “Because men don’t have those experiences, they don’t have those same instincts that we do as women”. She adds: “I have to teach men that this is how women feel [because] they genuinely don’t know. They don’t live the same lives as us. They don’t get this constant safety advice.” This isn’t to pit men against women, but the fact is that of crimes against women, the majority are committed by men. One dataset found the figure to be 94.4%. “Women are in tune with their gut instincts because we are taught from a very young age that there is this looming danger outside,” Whybro explains. “We don’t get explicitly told it’s men that we need to be scared of or that it’s male violence, but we learn this.”

One of Whybro’s main concerns is the marginalisation women experience when they avoid things to make themselves feel safer, even though the responsibility should lie with perpetrators. She says, “The easy thing most of the time is just opting out of being in those spaces.”

While that doesn’t seem fair, we should listen to our gut instinct because it’s not just some out-of-the-blue feeling. Smriti Joshi, a psychologist for Wysa, says that gut instinct is your brain’s way of processing information quickly and subconsciously and it’s something early humans evolved for protection and survival. “Long before we had the ability to rationalize or weigh up pros and cons, our ancestors relied on fast, instinctive responses to threats,” Joshi says. “Today, we still benefit from that wiring. Gut instinct helps us respond quickly when something feels off, even if we can’t immediately explain why.”

While intuition is a universal, evolutionary trait, how and when it shows up is different for everybody. “It’s shaped by a combination of biological wiring and life experience,” Joshi explains. “We often think of it as a feeling that comes from nowhere, but in reality, it’s your nervous system picking up on subtle cues — changes in facial expression, tone of voice, body language — and matching them to patterns stored from past experiences. Over time, your brain creates shortcuts based on what has felt safe or unsafe in the past. That’s why gut instinct feels so personal: it’s not just general intuition, it’s your intuition, shaped by your own story.”

This personal nature of instincts is complex, and partly why they often aren’t trusted. It’s not possible to perfect the art of bad feelings. “They’re not always accurate because it’s based on previous experience,” Joshi says. “It can sometimes be distorted — especially if past trauma, anxiety, or unconscious bias is in the mix. It’s also possible for gut instinct to misfire when we’re overly stressed or tired.”

A lot of the time, women are also navigating and contending with a culture that has taught them to be compliant. Both Whybro and Joshi agree that because women are regularly undermined or told their safety concerns are exaggerated, they override their instinct in order to seem polite and agreeable. This can mean they never learn to acknowledge, trust and respond to their intuition. “Rebuilding trust in your own instinct is important — it’s an act of self-respect and safety,” Joshi says, “but it’s also helpful to understand where that instinct is coming from. Ask yourself: is this feeling rooted in fear, in pattern recognition, or something else?” Even if that reflection comes later, Joshi says it can help us finetune our gut feelings.

Yatna Ladwa, 38, who works in healthcare and lives in London, always takes note when her usual instinct of being friendly doesn’t kick in — it’s a sign something is unsettling her, even if she can’t put her finger on why. “I’m a friendly person who will say ‘hi’ if you say ‘hi’,” she says. But when she repeatedly spotted a man staring at her in the gym, her instinct told her to avoid him. “One day I was getting off the train and I spotted him standing at the exit. I kept my gaze down and walked faster. Then I heard someone shouting behind me and it was him. I walked faster to my car — my gut told me to keep walking.” She drove away on edge and fearful, but the interaction left her creeped out and wary of seeing him again at the gym.

Gut instinct isn’t hard evidence of a crime, but that doesn’t mean concerns shouldn’t be reported. Maggie Blyth, temporary chief constable and national policing lead for violence against women and girls in Britain, tells R29, “Gut instinct is a powerful thing and we often hear of women who felt a sense of danger or unease in situations when they were right to listen to their gut and get help.” She urges women to report something “that doesn’t feel quite right” so the police can check it out for themselves. “It’s never wasting police time,” Blyth says, though she acknowledges that trust and confidence need to be rebuilt between civilians and police. “We have been working hard to improve our response to sexual exposure and other non-contact sexual offences,” she says, which includes a new training module focused on non-contact sexual offences (such as sexual harassment, indecent exposure, and unsolicited sexual images). There has been an increase in arrests for these types of crimes, she adds.

So when somebody tells you that your instincts are unfounded or exaggerated, remember that while your gut feelings might not be spot on, they likely have been triggered by something — and that’s worth listening to.

*Name has been changed to protect identities.

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If a brand is lucky, it will launch a product that manages to go viral and make the company a household name. Tatcha, a rare exception, has had nearly too many to count. From The Water Cream to The Silk Canvas to The Kissu Lip Mask, the brand has established itself as a modern-day luxury brand with decadent, effective products to back up the hype. And while we don’t want to jinx anything, something tells us that Tatcha’s latest launch will be another notch in its belt of bestsellers.

Meet The Dewy Milk Moisturizer — Tatcha’s newest hydrator and our current summer beauty obsession. Joining Tatcha’s Dewy collection of products (which includes The Dewy Skin Cream, The Dewy Serum, and Luminous Dewy Skin Mist), Dewy Milk Moisturizer is a lightweight hydrator that turns up the glow, not grease, in your skin. (Call it the Skipper to Dewy Skin Cream’s Barbie.)

The Dewy Milk Moisturizer, $64

As the name suggests, Dewy Milk has a fluid-like texture that quenches skin but absorbs readily. “We heard from so many people in our community — including my clients — that while the original Dewy Skin Cream is a favorite, it can feel a bit rich for some skin types,” celebrity makeup artist and Tatcha’s Global Director of Artistry, Daniel Martin, tells Refinery29. “The brand created Dewy Milk Moisturizer as a lighter option, giving you that signature glow in a more breathable, milky texture.” Milk has become somewhat of a beauty buzzword as of late, with products ranging from toners to lip gloss to cleansers drawing inspiration from the dairy product.

But don’t just take my word for it; Dewy Milk has become the talk of R29’s beauty editor Slack channel, with rave reviews pouring in: “Tatcha’s The Dewy Skin Cream was the only product I bought on my first-ever trip to New York — you couldn’t get the brand in the UK at the time — and I instantly fell in love with its cushiony texture and radiant finish,” says our London-based Beauty Director Jacqueline Kilikita. “But as someone prone to breakouts, it didn’t always agree with my skin on oilier days. It seems the Tatcha gods were listening, though, because the brand’s new Dewy Milk Moisturizer takes everything I loved about the original and transforms it into a lighter lotion that my skin drinks up in seconds, and doesn’t break me out or leave behind a film.”

And if that’s not enough, even fans of the OG have had their heads turned by Dewy Milk. “I genuinely didn’t think anything could top the original, but the new Dewy Milk Moisturizer might just be my new go-to, especially for daytime, specifically during these warmer months,” shares Global Beauty Director Sara Tan. “It feels like a serum-meets-moisturizer: it’s impossibly lightweight, glides on like silk, and delivers serious hydration without ever feeling heavy.”

Thanks to ingredients like Japanese purple rice (which lends a natural, lilac hue to the stuff), green tea extract, and zinc hyaluronate (the salt derivative of hyaluronic acid, which combines the hydrating prowess of HA with anti-inflammatory benefits of zinc) to promote soft, supple skin that’s balanced and radiant. “There’s no pilling and no stickiness — just bouncy skin that’s perfectly prepped for sunscreen and makeup,” says Tan. 
If all that isn’t enough, Tatcha also enlisted a friend of the brand, Olympic gymnast (and R29 Powerhouse) Suni Lee to front this extra-special launch. “I’ve been a fan of Tatcha for a long time,” she exclusively tells R29. “I started using the Dewy Skin Cream during my training days because my skin would get super dry from long hours in the gym. [Dewy Milk Moisturizer] is so lightweight but also so nourishing, and that’s what really stands out to me. It’s like a glass of water for my face.” Hydrated, happy summer skin in a bottle? Sign us up.

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Just as Charli XCX predicted at the end of her Coachella 2025 set, we’ve entered “Addison Rae summer” — a not-too-far departure from 2024’s brat summer. And like Charli, the TikTok star turned pop sensation — who wants to go by her mononym after the June 6 release of her self-titled album Addison — has a fashion sense that’s just as distinctive as her music projects.

From itty-bitty denim shorts and round-toe pump heels to cropped graphic T-shirts and lingerie-as-outerwear outfits, Addison’s retro style is Britney Spears-coded with apparent influences from Lady Gaga, Lana Del Rey, Madonna, and Marylin Monroe — all of whom she names in her song “Money Is Everything.” The 24-year-old has a knack for Y2K-meets-Old-Hollywood dressing. And it’s inspiring our own summer outfits.

If your hot weather style involves laidback, mismatched (and somewhat chaotic) looks, we promise that you can achieve a look that’s more Addison Rae and less Adam Sandler. So if you’d “rather get high fashion” and “get a taste of the glamorous life,” read on for the top summer must-haves to channel the “Aquamarine” singer. (Spoiler: pearls are involved.) Then, all that’s left to do is crack open a Diet Pepsi and “put your headphones on.”

Addison Rae Style: Low-Rise Jeans & Shorts

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In true Y2K fashion, Addison is known for wearing low-rise jeans and mini shorts as everyday outfits and music video costumes. She specifically called out a pair of low-rise Lucky shorts as a staple in a recent GQ interview. On sweltering days, consider a pair of denim cutoffs (preferably with frayed edges) and on cooler days or summer nights, consider low-rise jeans in a flared or bootcut silhouette. Pair them with a graphic tee or bralette depending on the occasion and how scandalous you’re feeling.

Addison Rae Style: Lingerie Sets

The singer also told GQ that beautiful lingerie is non-negotiable, especially worn under casual outfits to spark a sexy energy and confidence throughout the day. In addition to her sultry 2024 VMAs custom lingerie look, it’s also a staple in her music videos like “Diet Pepsi” (a cone bra and matching bedazzled ensemble), “Aquamarine” (under a sheer outfit), “Fame Is A Gun” (in pink latex), and “Times Like These” (paired with fishnet tights). For your own Addison-inspired lingerie, opt for matching sets with balconette bras, sheer bralettes, and corsets to wear under see-through tops and dresses, or on their own paired with your favorite denim for summer festivals and pool parties.

Addison Rae Style: Pump Heels

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“Walk in the room, my high heels on, I strike a pose / Young, dumb, and cute, nothing to lose,” Addison sings on “In The Rain.” When she’s not barefoot, she’s wearing stiletto pumps (quite different to trending kitten heels, but reminiscent of Y2K pop star style). From performing onstage to running errands, she typically opts for Louboutins and round-toe heels. Look out for designs with retro details like peep-toe cut-outs and slingback straps, which are favored by the singer, and wear them everywhere from summer weddings to rooftop parties.

Addison Rae Style: Graphic T-Shirts

Some of the looks that put Addison on the fashion map were her Y2K Paris Hilton-inspired street style ‘fits, all of which included kitschy graphic tees. From pointed phrases to faux sport jerseys, her T-shirts always make a statement — so much so that Troye Sivan recreated one of Addison’s paparazzi photos for Halloween, wearing a pink “Libra” cropped tee and black pumps, while reading Britney Spears’ memoir. Opt for playful graphics and cheeky phrases when shopping and putting together your casual, throw-on-and-go summer outfits.

Addison Rae Style: Pearl Necklaces

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Elevate your everyday and eveningwear looks with a strand of pearls to have “the heart of the ocean around your neck,” like Addison suggests in “Aquamarine.” Her mermaid-chic style reigns during the summer, whether through red carpet dresses, shell-shaped purses, glimmering jewel tones, or lustrous pearls. Luckily, you don’t have to pay a fortune to get the look. We’ve curated a range of simple pearl chokers, layered strands, and pendant necklaces to channel Addison.

Addison Rae Style: Sheer Dresses

Sheer fabrics are a bold-yet-wearable summer dress trend that Addison does well — from donning see-through sequined gowns in the “Aquamarine” video, to wearing a fluttery tulle frock at Coachella that revealed her album release date on underwear that peeked through. The singer obviously loves skin-baring looks, declaring: “I know you like when I wear this dress, I feel best when I’m wearin’ less” on “Times Like These.” For your own wardrobe, try sheer lace, mesh, and sequined dresses worn over swimsuits, boy shorts, slip dresses, or even over pants for a Y2K touch. Then float on as the ethereal pop princess that you are.

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Another Latina stepped in it — again. This time it was Yulissa Escobar who, checks notes, made it through just two days of filming Love Island USA before getting booted from the villa. The Cuban American saw her dreams of small-screen fame come to an end on June 4 after TMZ and Reddit users shared two clips of her casually using the N-word on podcasts. And if Escobar would say that while being recorded, what is she saying off camera?

Since it all went down, she apologized. “I want to apologize for using a word I had no right in using,” she said in an Instagram post on June 6. “I used it ignorantly, not fully understanding the weight, history, or pain behind it. I wasn’t trying to be offensive or harmful, but I recognize now that intention doesn’t excuse impact. And the impact of that word is real. It’s tied to generations of trauma, and it is not mine to use.”

As the videos of Escobar so casually saying the N-word resurfaced, so did a now-deleted TikTok video where she talked about losing social media followers because of her support for President Donald Trump.

As funny TikTok skits of Love Island USA producers pulling Escobar out of her bed in the middle of the night go viral and as online commentators point to her Miami Cuban roots to minimize her anti-Blackness, it’s tempting to just throw Escobar away, to vote her off the proverbial Latinidad island, but actually we need to reckon with her. After all, 39% of Latinas voted for Trump, in tacit support of his vision of a U.S. optimized for white Anglo men at the expense of everyone else. And no, they weren’t all Miami Cubans.

Escobar is hardly the only non-Black Latina to drop the N-word. Generally scandal-free Jennifer Lopez got in trouble for doing it on her 2001 track “I’m Real (Murder Remix)” with Ja Rule. In 2019, Jane the Virgin (and now Will Trent) star Gina Rodriguez caught heat for recording herself using it. And in Latine neighborhoods across the country, the slur slips out of non-Black Latine mouths as commonly as “mija” or “nena.”

So what’s going on here? There appears to be some confusion about our place in the U.S.’ racial hierarchy. While Latinidad is an ethnic identity, not a racial one, and Latines come in every race, it’s true that the U.S. has attempted to racialize Latinidad in an effort to mark us, even the white Latines among us, as different than the Anglo, gringo, or White-with-a-capital-W people who see themselves as the “real” Americans.

But if you’re not Black, you shouldn’t say the N-word. It’s that simple. And while some Latines are Black, many are not — including Escobar, Lopez, and Rodriguez.

Their Latinidad doesn’t give them (or anyone) honorary Black status. Living in neighborhoods that are majority Black doesn’t give non-Black Latines Black status. Dating someone who is Black doesn’t give non-Black Latines Black status. Having Black relatives doesn’t give non-Black Latines Black status. Feeling a shared struggle with Black folks does not give non-Black Latines Black status.

Oftentimes, those non-Black Latines who throw the N-word around casually, like it’s theirs to hurl, want to have it both ways. When it suits them, they’re “women of color” who want street cred and access to Black communities. But when they see it as more advantageous to align with non-Latine white people, they switch. Think of Lopez playing an Italian woman in 2001’s The Wedding Planner — yes, the same year she released that version of “I’m Real.”

And as the last election cycle has shown, large portions of Latines are aligning themselves with whiteness, including those who are themselves racially white but also many who are not but hope their proximity to whiteness, their allegiance to whiteness, will guard them from the country’s racial war against “the other” — even white “others” with Spanish surnames. And when that happens, we get Trump in the White House, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers terrorizing our communities, and an authoritarian regime that is making Latin American dictators jealous.

And as more Latine Trump supporters around the country are realizing amid massive ICE raids, this white loyalty won’t save them — it never has and it never will.

As a group and as individuals, we need to have a better understanding of what it means to be a non-Black Latine. We need to have the conversations — about ethnicity versus race, about privilege, and about organizing for social justice.

There are plenty of people who think the whole concept of Latinidad is a sham, that either it reinforces white supremacy by marking us as different from Black and Indigenous folks or it hurts us by marking us (even the European-descended people among us) as not-white.

I see truth in both of these takes. But what if we used the Latine marker as an organizing principle to call for change? We could be a powerful force inside the U.S. if we were better organized. After all, we’re the biggest “minority,” we account for most of the nation’s growth, and we’d be the fifth-largest economy in the world if we were counted by ourselves.

But too often we fail to leverage that power to advance our needs. Instead, more than a third of Latines lie to themselves and their communities about what their identity means in the United States today. We need to call them out and call them in. Yes, maybe Chicanas have a different frame than Cuban Americans. Maybe experiences in the Northeast look different from those in the Southwest. Maybe someone who looks like Escobar believes her pretty privilege will carry her through whatever mess her surname and ethnicity might get her into — and maybe, where she’s from, it has.

But regardless of our individual circumstances, we need to get to work if we’re ever going to stop being “sleeping giants” and just be giants.

First, we need accountability. I’m glad Escobar got booted from Love Island USA, but white-led corporations are going to be doing less and less of that stuff as we descend further into Trump’s second term. So what can we do? Escobar has nearly 70,000 followers on her Instagram — if you’re one of them, consider unfollowing her and telling her why: that using the N-word is unacceptable and so is voting against the rights of the racially and ethnically marginalized. When folks online or in your personal life do racist things, don’t let it slide. Tell them it’s unacceptable around you and mean it.

Additionally, follow Black people online and support their work. If you want more examples of why Escobar’s path is so foolish, I recommend Franchesca Ramsey’s feed. Her “I never thought the leopards would eat my fact” bit is a hilariously evergreen diddy about how quickly those who claim proximity to whiteness will see that their allegiance does not protect them.

That brings me to being in actual alliance with Black communities, whether they’re also Latine or not. Stop begrudging their success — Black communities didn’t take anything from non-Black Latines — and, instead, support their artists, marches, and ballot measures without trying to take over or make them about you. Encourage your non-Black Latine friends and family members to do the same.

Finally, let’s learn from them. Black folks in the U.S. have been organizing for a more just society — that benefits all of us — for a long time. They’ve built a community consensus and institutions that we could emulate.

Let’s learn and see where we get. I bet it’ll be a lot better than watching one of ours implode on Love Island USA while ICE disappears people — non-citizens and citizens alike — on U.S. streets.

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